For most of my life I thought experiencing and expressing emotions was something that you grew out of as you matured. I couldn't have been more wrong. Along the way, I've enjoyed the insights of Dr. John Gottman, considered by many to be one of the top 'relationship experts' around. Below is a summary of his insights from one of his books on this topic: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
The Dismissing Parent: There are a variety of core beliefs, whether known or unknown to the parent, that drive them to dismissing emotions. They may believe firmly that emotions are bad and only lead to trouble or are unimportant and therefore engaging them is simply unhelpful. They may confidently believe that children’s emotions are petty and unworthy of attention. Or, it may be that they that if they allow the child to experience and express the emotion, things will really get out of control. Thus, the core responses would be to minimize, trivialize, disregard, discount, deny, or completely ignore their children’s emotions.
Disapproving Parent: There is significant overlap here with the dismissing parent, but also important distinctions. The disapproving parent is more critical and judgmental of the child’s actual emotions and almost completely lacks empathy. Some core beliefs of these parents are that nothing constructive comes from emotions, that children should not be pampered from the real (and always harsh) world, and there are bigger and worse things to be concerned about. Some core responses are to actually reprimand, discipline, ridicule, belittle, or punish their child for the expression of emotion.
Dismissing and disapproving parents often operate over deep confusion or deep convictions about emotions and respond in a way that help them control the circumstances and the child’s response.
Consequences in both dismissing and disapproving parenting are that the children learn not to trust their own judgment, consider the experiencing and expression of emotions as practically always inappropriate, that something is inherently wrong with them, and that emotional intimacy later in life will lead to humiliation or pain and should be avoided.
Laissez-Faire Parent: This type of parenting has a simple core belief of unconditional acceptance of almost everything the child feels and does. Because there is confusion about negative emotions and how to positively coach their child towards appropriate behavior, the core response is often simply to do nothing. The children, then, get away with inappropriate expressions of emotions. The consequence is that the children don’t learn how to regulate their emotions and are unable to calm themselves which makes it difficult to navigate relationships later in life.
The Emotion Coach: These parents have core beliefs that knowing one’s own emotional state is very important, that regulating our emotions is essential, and that they can drive us to effective actions and resolutions. Their core responses are to accept their child’s emotions while also teaching them to regulate their emotions, find appropriate outlets for them, and enable them to appropriately solve problems. As a consequence of these beliefs and responses, these children learn to regulate their emotions, are aware of their strengths and weaknesses, and pursue strong relationships with others.
For any who want to follow up on emotions theologically or in Scripture, you can read B.B. Warfield's article, "The Emotional Life of Our Lord," or Dr. Robert C. Roberts book, Spiritual Emotions: A Psychology of Christian Virtue.
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